Why Many Mothers Are Chasing Goals They Never Actually Chose
I have a secret: I trust that my husband is capable enough to make his own meal if I’m not around.
Some of you may judge me for that: it’s the role of wives to feed their husbands. Some of you find the entire statement preposterous: of course, a grown man can make his own meal.
At the center of this statement—and many like it—lies a cultural value. In some cultures, it’s considered proper for a woman to make meals for their husbands. Men and women inherit this cultural idea and pass it down to their children through their example, their words, and their judgement.
I begin with this cultural value because once, early in my role as a wife, I left a conversation with another woman feeling inadequate because I had not considered how working late might affect my husband’s dinner. The other mother suggested crockpots and other strategies for ensuring my husband could eat while I was at work, as though my career situation at the time should not affect my ability to perform my duties as a wife.
I later realized that my feeling of inadequacy only existed because I had borrowed her value system and had, temporarily, begun judging my own idea of success against her goals and values.
Now, when I feel inadequate, I analyze the situation behind the feeling and ensure that I’m chasing the goals and values that align with my family, not with someone else’s. I’m glad I had a taste of that lesson before motherhood because I found the struggle with feeling inadequate increased dramatically once I faced the various cultural values surrounding what it means to be a good mother.
Most of us can identify a moment when we suddenly felt inadequate after talking with another parent. Perhaps it was a conversation about breastfeeding, academics, extracurricular activities, screen time, healthy eating, homeschooling, birthday parties, or career choices. We walk away wondering whether we’re doing enough, as though that other parent is achieving something we are not. What we often fail to realize is that we have temporarily begun measuring ourselves by someone else’s definition of success, and such moments can be times for reflection and analysis.
Chasing After Success
In the ever-changing and multicultural world we live in today, mothers, especially new mothers, struggle to find their identities. We even have terms for different styles of motherhood: free-range, helicopter, attachment, positive, elephant, and so many others.
With all the potential identities a new mom can take on, it’s difficult to find a single narrative that defines success for all mothers, but most of us have been told a story that if we do things right (whatever that means), we will enjoy a life of peace, love, and abundance as mothers. A life that looks like the Instagram reels and Pinterest photos we see online.
We see other women who seem to have things together and begin comparing what we do with what others do. We soak in the judgement of other people, both family and friends, and start defining our version of motherhood by those people’s values.
Many mothers spend years pursuing borrowed definitions of success—ideas inherited from culture, family, social media, workplaces, or peer groups—without ever asking whether those goals align with their own deepest values.
What Is a Borrowed Definition of Success?
A borrowed definition of success is:
- A standard we adopt unconsciously.
- A vision of a good life created by someone else.
- A goal we pursue because we assume we should.
These ideas about ourselves often arrive quietly. They come to us, not in one grand statement, but in small moments that we absorb. They may arrive in advertising, movies, social media, family expectations, school culture, workplace culture, and parenting books. No one explicitly teaches these messages to us, but we come to feel the weight of them gradually over time.
Sometimes, these ideas are huge and life altering, such as statements I’ve heard from women regarding whether or not to put their children in daycare. Sometimes, they’re minor, but they still have an impact. Statements that we sometimes believe without question:
- “A good mother attends every event.”
- “A good mother cooks healthy food for her family every night.”
- “Successful families are busy.”
- “Children should participate in extracurricular activities to be happy and fulfilled.”
- “A worthwhile career requires constant advancement.”
- “Good mothers keep immaculate homes.”
- “Good mothers have tons of activities planned for the summer breaks.”
Some of these statements are actually important to some women. In fact, the problem isn’t with any of these statements per se. The problem is when we adopt one of these statements as our own without determining if it fits our version of motherhood.
When I became a mother, I floundered at first, unsure what kind of mother I wanted to be. I made parenting choices that reflected the values of family members and friends, but I knew even at the time that I needed to find my own way of parenting. I read books, I tried different strategies, and I analyzed what worked for my family. Ultimately, I feel like I have a philosophy of parenting that works for me.
My hope is that you, too, will find what feels right for your family and that it won’t take over a decade, as it has for me, because there is a cost that comes with taking on other people’s ideas of successful parenting.
The Hidden Cost of Borrowed Success
Many mothers I know face burnout. They feel like they’re barely keeping their heads above water. Then, even worse, they feel like everyone else is succeeding while they’re drowning, and they’re struggling to understand why they can’t succeed like the rest of the world. They start outlining goals that might lead to happiness: If I can just get that promotion at work, I’ll be satisfied. If I can just get the house organized, I’ll be able to relax a bit. If I can just…
The problem, however, is usually not that these mothers are somehow failing in some way. Modern motherhood is demanding. Many of us are balancing careers, children, marriages, homes, friendships, and responsibilities that previous generations never faced simultaneously.
But often the deeper problem is not even the amount of work. It is the reason behind the work.
Imagine carrying ten heavy boxes. If all ten contain things that matter deeply to you—your children, your faith, your health, your relationships—the weight may still be exhausting, but it feels meaningful. You understand why you are carrying it.
Now imagine that eight of those boxes contain expectations you never consciously chose. One box contains the pressure to keep a perfectly clean house. Another contains the expectation that your children must participate in multiple extracurricular activities. Another contains the belief that every family memory should be documented and shared online.
The weight of those boxes may be exactly the same, but it feels different.
When we spend our lives pursuing goals that belong to someone else’s definition of success, we often experience a particular kind of exhaustion. We feel busy but unfulfilled. Accomplished but dissatisfied. We keep telling ourselves that if we can just get everything under control, we’ll finally feel successful.
Yet success remains frustratingly out of reach because we’re climbing a ladder that is leaning against the wrong wall.
The problem isn’t simply the workload. The problem is the misalignment.
Why We Adopt Other People’s Definitions
Human beings learn through imitation. From the time we are children, we watch the people around us and absorb their assumptions about what matters. We learn what is praised, what is criticized, and what earns approval.
When motherhood arrives, many of us find ourselves entering unfamiliar territory. We want to do a good job. We want our children to thrive.
So we look to the people around us.
We observe the mothers whose lives appear successful and begin copying what we see. We assume that because something works for them, it should work for us.
The challenge is that visible success and meaningful success are not always the same thing.
A mother may genuinely love coaching three sports teams, organizing elaborate birthday parties, and volunteering at every school event. Those activities may align perfectly with her values and personality.
But if you adopt those same activities simply because they seem to be what successful mothers do, you may find yourself overwhelmed and resentful.
The goal is not to reject what works for others. The goal is to understand why it works for them and whether it belongs in your own vision of a good life.
The Social Media Effect
Social media has amplified this problem in ways previous generations never experienced, and while most of us realize that reality, we still fall into the trap of feeling inadequate because of curated influencer reels.
At any moment, we can open our phones and see hundreds of examples of seemingly successful motherhood.
We see the organized homeschool room, with gentle music covering the sound of actual children.
The spotless kitchen, where the beautifully packed lunches are made.
The six-figure business.
What we don’t see are the trade-offs.
We don’t see the clutter pushed just outside the camera frame. We don’t see the outsourced help. We don’t see the financial stress, the marital disagreements, the exhaustion, or the goals that were intentionally sacrificed to make room for the things being displayed.
Every life is a series of choices. Every success comes with opportunity costs.
The mother with the immaculate home may spend less time on career advancement. The entrepreneur may have less free time than she would like. The mother who volunteers extensively may choose to let certain household tasks slide.
None of these choices are wrong. The problem begins when we see only the finished product and assume we should somehow achieve all of them—everyone’s finished products—simultaneously.
Social media encourages us to compare our behind-the-scenes reality with everyone else’s highlight reel. The result is often a persistent feeling that we are falling short, even when we are doing quite well.
How Borrowed Success Creates Time Pressure
One of the greatest consequences of adopting someone else’s version of successful parenting is the feeling that there is never enough time.
Most mothers do not actually have one vision of success competing for their attention. They have many: career success, close family relationships, fun family adventures, physical health, financial security, a beautiful home, meaningful friendships, community involvement.
None of these goals are inherently wrong. The problem arises when we try to pursue every possible version of success at the same time.
A calendar can only hold so much.
When our priorities are unclear, every opportunity feels important. Every request feels urgent. Every commitment feels necessary.
We start searching for better planners, better productivity systems, and better routines. And, yes, those are useful.
Yet no amount of time management can solve a values problem.
The issue is often not that we are managing our time poorly. The issue is that we have never clearly decided what deserves our time in the first place.
Until we define success for ourselves, every demand will seem equally important.
Once we define success, many decisions become surprisingly simple.
What Happens When Success Aligns with Values
When your definition of success aligns with your values, life does not suddenly become easy. Children still get sick. Laundry still piles up. Work deadlines still arrive. The demands of motherhood remain real.
What changes is your relationship with those demands.
There is a profound difference between saying, “I have to do all of this,” and saying, “I have chosen what matters.”
The first creates resentment.
The second creates purpose.
You may still have busy seasons. You may still feel tired. But you are no longer exhausted by trying to satisfy competing expectations from every direction.
You know what game you are playing.
You know what winning looks like.
And because of that, you can let go of goals that were never yours to begin with.
Reflection Exercise: Identifying Borrowed Goals
Step 1
Write down five things you currently spend the most time pursuing.
Step 2
For each one, ask:
- Why does this matter?
- Who taught me this mattered?
- Would I still choose it if nobody could see it?
Step 3
Circle the goals that genuinely align with your values—with how you want to live.
Step 4
Consider releasing one goal that exists only because of external expectations.
You may repeat the steps anytime you feel busy or inadequate. Go through your to-do list and determine why each item matters. As you do so, you may learn more about yourself.
Live Your Own Life
Stop measuring your life by someone else’s ruler.
Borrowed definitions of success are like wearing someone else’s prescription glasses. You can still see, but everything is slightly distorted.
The world looks just clear enough that you may not immediately realize the problem. Yet over time, the distortion creates strain. You begin chasing goals that don’t fit your life, carrying burdens that don’t belong to you, and measuring yourself against standards you never consciously chose.
The goal is not to reject ambition.
The goal is not to stop growing.
The goal is not even to avoid hard work.
The goal is to build a life that reflects your values rather than someone else’s expectations.
At the end of your life, no one else can determine whether your years were well spent.
Only you can answer that question.
The most meaningful measure of success is not whether your life looked impressive from the outside.
It is whether your life felt true from the inside.