We all have those days when we can’t seem to keep it all together. The days when the morning routine goes sideways, the dog throws up on the rug, and the workday seems to devolve into a never-ending crisis. For some of us, these days happen more often than we’d like to admit.
We cannot anticipate everything that will happen, but a little preparation can minimize the damage and help us regain a feeling of wholeness quicker. Below are three ways we can prepare for and mitigate the hard days.
If you’re new to this blog, welcome! My goal is to impart ways of living more intentionally as working mothers so we can align our work and family lives with the values we hold most dear. Feel free to read about my goals on this blog and send me a message letting me know what you’re working on as you navigate the beautiful journey of motherhood.
1. Have Non-Negotiables
Shortly after getting married, I had the opportunity to stay at a wonderful couple’s vacation home in San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. At that time in my life, I was living in reaction mode, and intentional living was not something I understood.
On this vacation, I had visions of margaritas and relaxation, an escape from the chaos of my normal life. And we did have that.
But every day when we discussed plans for the following day, our hostess would respond, “I plan to exercise in the morning, and then we can do whatever we want.”
Exercise was non-negotiable.
At the time, I didn’t understand an exercise routine that was non-negotiable. Fast forward about 10 years and I was forced to learn the concept. I had a herniated disk in my spine. I crawled out of bed each morning and spent an hour performing a complex physical therapy routine, without which I could not move through the day without excruciating pain. Exercise became non-negotiable and turned into a habit that lasted long after spinal surgery.
Since then, I’ve started thinking of other things that are non-negotiable (or should be). Here are a few items that might be non-negotiables for some people:
Quiet time for meditation and prayer.
A solid breakfast to start the day off right.
A gratitude list each evening.
A walk with the dog.
A few minutes of free time with each child.
A few minutes to plan the next day’s activities and priorities.
Non-negotiable tasks should be cornerstone habits in your life that center you and make you feel whole.
“You should sit in meditation for twenty minutes everyday – unless you’re busy; then you should sit for an hour.”
Dr. Sukhraj Dhillion
Journal Exercise: Reflecting on Non-Negotiables
If an outsider were to observe your life for a few weeks, what parts of your day would he or she say were non-negotiable for you? You may have non-negotiables without even realizing it. Have you built a habit around family dinners together, television, social media, or something else? What daily routines have become habits?
Once you have a list of your typical daily life, consider which parts you think are adding value to your life and which are not. Begin limiting the ones that don’t add value and building on the ones that do. This audit of your habits might be useful to do in stages, perhaps focusing on the morning routine first, then the work day, then the period right after work, and then the night.
Decide what should be non-negotiable. Choose something that you take seriously and that affects you in a positive way each day. Ideally, choose something that can be done quickly on days when you feel like it’s impossible to do. That way, you can still perform a version of the task. For instance, if my goal is to walk the dog every day, I might want to walk for 45 minutes, but on a morning filled with unexpected chaos, I might just walk the dog for 5 minutes. It’s much better to do a shortened version of a non-negotiable task than to break the commitment entirely.
Commit to your non-negotiable. In Girl, Wash Your Face, Rachel Hollis observes we lie to ourselves more than anyone else. Don’t lie to yourself. Don’t make a commitment to yourself and back out of that commitment lightly. Tell others you’ve committed to this task and make sure your family is prepared to give you the time you need to complete your task each day.
Keep it small. One or two non-negotiables each day is plenty, especially starting out. Remember that small tasks add up over time. If you spend 10 minutes each day meditating, you’ll have spent 70 minutes by the end of the week and 300 minutes by the end of the month. Even better, you’ll be in a place where you can build upon the habit by stacking other beneficial habits onto it (more on this below).
Bonus: Have family non-negotiables. Maybe it’s reading before bed each night, taking daily walks after dinner, or picking up the living room before the TV comes on. Maybe it’s five minutes of snuggle time in the morning and again at bedtime.
2. Leverage the Power of Habits and Systems
In Atomic Habits, James Clear makes a powerful argument for systems instead of goals. When people set goals, they focus on the end accomplishment, and their happiness and sense of success or failure is determined by the goal being met.
However, when you focus on systems, “you can be satisfied anytime your system is running” (26). It’s easy to lose sight of goals when life gets hard, especially if the goals are long term and difficult to accomplish. It’s easy to put the goal aside and get back to it later. But focusing on the process makes it easier to have short term goals.
Let’s take an example. If I’m focusing on the goal of losing 20 pounds, then it’s easy to get discouraged when the scale doesn’t change. However, if I focus on what I plan to do to lose 20 pounds, then I feel good about myself as long as I accomplish that daily goal. I might decide that I will eat a particular breakfast each day. Now, as long as I’ve eaten that breakfast, I’ve accomplished that part of the goal and, eventually, the process will become a powerful habit.
The same thing can be said about mental health routines. If my intent is to be happier, I would do better to focus on the activities I want to include in my day (meditation, gratitude, presence, adventures), than on the feeling of being happy.
If I want to be a calmer, more intentional mother, then I might focus on listening and responding with love in each interaction with my children.
Bonus points come when you focus on your family’s systems, not goals.
For instance, if your goal is to get out the door on time, then you might consider what systems you need to follow to get to that point. When things don’t work out one morning, examine what part of the system broke down that led you to be late. Analyzing the systems will help you achieve your goals and make you less frustrated when things don’t work out exactly as planned.
“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.”
Will Durant
3. Build In Fail Safes
When life’s chaos creeps in, where are you most vulnerable? Take a few moments to reflect on what areas of life are hit hardest.
For us, it’s dinner. We’re exhausted by work, the kids’ school, and after-school activities. The home cooked healthy meal we planned just doesn’t seem feasible.
So do we go to MacDonald’s?
No. We have fail safes that are built into our lives. When we really don’t feel like cooking the meal we planned, I pull out a list of options we always have on hand to choose from, usually something from the freezer or pantry.
In our freezer, we have pre-made tilapia cakes that can be thawed easily. In our pantry, we have cans of vegetables and healthy soups we can grab quickly.
These prepared meals help us when things get tough, but we also have taken the guesswork out of dinnertime. This may sound boring, but we eat the same things most weeks. It just makes it easier to shop and removes the decision-making process at the end of the day when we’re the most prone to making poor food choices.
I find dinner is often a pressure point for families, so fail safes are good to have. Here are some other fail-safe ideas:
Create a system for how to manage when the kids are sick and need to miss school. I know I’ve had resentment in the past if I feel I’m always the one who has to put work aside to care for a sick child, so we have a system now based on how our work days are structured.
Create a system for managing morning routines (and update it as changes in the school year occur). Everyone, even the kids, should know their role in the morning routine, and there can be ready-to-go breakfasts that help. My children’s favorite is what my son named the Mega Mama Munchable. They wanted Lunchables for breakfast (every single day), and I wanted something healthier, so I prepackaged a breakfast meal with no-nitrate meats, cheeses, grapes, nuts, and other charcuterie board items.
Create a system for any pain-points in your life that cause problems. Talk to everyone involved.
Anticipating problems before they arise, especially if they’re common concerns, can help build the systems needed to reinforce your family goals.
Bonus: Remember to laugh
Joy comes in the moments. Sometimes you just have to roll with it. Sometimes the chaos comes from our reality not meeting our expectations, and we need to recognize that our expectations may be off.
Would I rather be a working mother with an immaculate house, a perfectly manicured lawn, the perfect snack for after baseball games, or would I rather be a working mother who remains calm and enjoys moments with her children? I’m not sure I can always have both.
It isn’t always easy for me to let things go, but sometimes I remember that a perfect house is not part of my life goals. Loving this one crazy life and spending the precious years I have with my kids with as much energy and intention as possible is part of my life goal.
Look for glimmers in your life. Glimmers are precious moments that fill you with joy. They’re moments of peace and gratitude for the beautiful parts of life, and each day can be filled with them if you only know where to look.
